No One Asked Me But…

by Dr. Larry Moses
Published Oct. 28, 2009

No one asked me but…Halloween is back. My neighbors with children have informed me that their church is not doing “trunk and treat” this year. Wahoo! Ghost and goblins are returning to my door after a three year hiatus.

I have missed my Halloween visitors. I understand that my neighborhood is back in the Halloween spirit. One of my neighbors has his tombstones back up. Great to see.

For some reason a few years ago everyone assumed that neighbors who have been living together for years suddenly transformed into real monsters who wished their children harm one day of every year. The person next door had been waiting for just this day to do them and their child harm.

Without warning, trunk and treat was instituted in the community. Children were not permitted to go door to door and receive candy. I had purchased candy for the three hundred children who had been coming each year and suddenly none appeared. The only good to come from that was I had three hundred chocolate bars to myself. The founder of the Fat People’s Party began to build his base in more ways than one that night.

To circumvent this ill perceived danger, a number of ways were devised to protect our little goblins. Parties on Halloween night became popular. This gave the parents a chance to help their kids bob for apples. It was a way to make sure that all children receive the same amount of candy. Heaven knows no child should ever have more than another for it might well turn them into grubbing little capitalists. How is that for scaring liberals on Halloween?

These parties at schools and community centers gave adults a great opportunity to dress up. But many admonished all who attended that they must not wear costumes that would scare the children. I thought that is what Halloween was about – being scared.

One person in New Jersey was forced to remove zombie like creatures from his yard because they were too realistic. Really, a realistic zombie. Like the one’s who live down the street? What is a realistic zombie?

About three years ago, trunk or treat became the answer to protecting the children of our valley from the evils of this holiday. All of those people perceived too dangerous to be giving candy out at home were encouraged to bring their depraved spirit to local churches and the fairgrounds. From the trunk of their cars, they were welcome to disperse candy to children. One wonders if our ever vigilant health department was on hand to assure no one dispensed any goodies without wearing plastic gloves. Now there is a scary outfit, our local health department.

To enter the fairgrounds, one must produce a bag of candy. Heck, why not just buy the candy you want and stay home.

The following tips for parents are published by well meaning people. Premedicate your child with a supplement like Culturelle. It can greatly reduce chances for allergic reaction. Attach special lights to their costumes. Get glow in the dark candy bags. Be sure each child has a cell phone and a flashlight. Be sure you are through trick or treating before dark. (Not sure why you need glow in dark bags and flashlights if you are done before dark, but so be it.) Don’t share masks. Better yet, don’t wear masks. Don’t wear dark costumes. Don’t wear loose costumes. Don’t share costumes. Better yet, don’t wear costumes. Keep the phone number of poison control on hand. Do not use a knife to carve pumpkins.

Now those are the rules people like Dear Abby are championing. Let me share my Halloween rules. These are based on my years of trick or treating as a kid. Some of these are things I learned by watching movies on Halloween nights. Some I found on the internet when I typed in Halloween rules.

Don’t go in the basement to check the power if the lights go out. If your friends begin to speak in Latin or any other language which they do not know, get the heck away from them. As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles designed to open the portals of Hades. If you are searching for something that made a loud noise and it turns out to be the cat, get out of the house. If you end up in a town that is deserted, leave; there is a probably a good reason for it. If your companions suddenly exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, you probably have a problem. If you have companions who characteristically exhibit these traits, you certainly have a problem. On Halloween, stay out of places with names like Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, the Bermuda Triangle or any small town in Maine. If you suddenly run out of gas, though you had a full tank minutes before, don’t go to the run down house across the highway to borrow the phone. Beware of strangers with tools like chain saws, even if they have Bud Lite.

If you are looking for guide lines for houses you should not trick or treat at, let me suggest the following. Any house made of ginger bread. Any house whose windows are glowing with eerie green light. Any house where trophy animal heads are talking. Any house with a bloody wood chipper in the front lawn. Any house that was not there a second ago. Don’t go to any house with “scary,” “spooky,” “haunted,” or “forbidden” in the title.

For those of you who can’t get over the fears of letting children go door to door for candy let me again refer you to Lenore Skenazy’s book Free Range Kids. (I notice you don’t have the same fear when you want to raise funds for that copier at the elementary school.) She references a study by Joel Best, a professor of sociology and criminal justice at the University of Delaware. He studied crime reports dating as far back as 1958; he could find no case of a child being seriously hurt by a contaminated treat picked up in the course of trick or treating. Nationwide Hospital in Columbus, Ohio has offered a fluoroscope service for years. Free of charge, parents can bring their child’s candy and have it x-rayed. In all those years, they have never discovered anything questionable.

So bring on the goblins and ghost. Give us your best shot. But keep in mind, any candy I don’t give away is mine. In fact some of the candy is mine before the kids show up. That is why I have the emergency stock of Hersey bars.

Thought of the weeks…There are three things I have learned never to discuss with people: religion, politics and the Great Pumpkin.

-Linus Van Pelt