By Glen Horlacher, MFT

As I have observed all types of relationships I have come to believe the single most important aspect for success is acceptance of the individual. When we withhold absolute acceptance in a relationship, we fail to support the person.

Twenty years ago as a young and proud father of three-year-old twin boys I noticed that one of the boys wasn’t as willing to wrestle around on the living room floor as the other. I noticed he didn’t seem as eager to be physical. Now for a dad who fancied himself a pretty good athlete back in the day, this was a little surprising to me, and even a little disappointing. The little boy seemed almost dismayed at the enthusiasm of me and his other brothers when it came to throwing and hitting the ball, or tackling someone. I can’t say I know what he was thinking but I know his participation in sports only continued up until the sixth grade, and except for a year of golf in high school, he didn’t participate in any more organized athletics.

Luckily, all the boys were encouraged to take piano lessons and they also sang their share of songs at school and church events. Although all the boys could carry a tune, the boy who didn’t appreciate athletics started to excel in music and theater. He didn’t want to knock down a running back but he began to tackle harder musical pieces. By the time the boys were in high school he became known as the “twin who plays the piano so well”, instead of “the twin that doesn’t play sports”. Nowadays he has this amazing voice and can play piano with such emotion; I’m in awe whenever I hear him.

Oh yeah, acceptance. Accept that person for who he is now! You might be surprised what blossoms right before your narrow eyes.

Acceptance can, I think be compared to the Christian ethic of “Christ-like love”, or “unconditional love”, or in counseling terms, “unconditional positive regard”. Whatever we are calling it, the purpose is to help those around us feel emotionally and physically safe. Expectation is the villainous alternative to acceptance. Where there is expectation inserted into a relationship, there may be judgment, control and eventually mistrust. If I have expectations of my wife, for instance, and she doesn’t agree with them then she is left with few options. She can just play along with my expectations of her until she gets sick and tired of my expectations and of me, or she can fight me about them, or she can pretend to go along but have to start being deceptive in order to keep me and my expectations happy. Which really means I’m living in fantasy land because what I think is real, isn’t. There are, in fact, few work, marriage, or parent-child relationships that aren’t infected by expectation. How many marriage issues can be fixed if the problem solving is based on fantasy instead of reality? When you are an accepting individual your chance of having reality increases dramatically. With reality comes the ability to make sound decisions because reality doesn’t shift around under your feet like the sandy foundation of fantasy.

If you detect stress in a relationship, the first thing for you to do, before you start thinking about what is wrong with your partner, is to consider what kind of expectations you have in that relationship. Listen to what has been communicated to you over the years (because you have been told) and you will likely find yourself lacking in acceptance of that individual. The clues are usually there if we will only take responsibility for knowing, instead of playing dumb and helpless. Big turn-off, dumb and helpless, big turn-off!