By Glen Horlacher, MS, MFT

I have noticed that one of the most frustrating things for many school teachers is when a student, who is struggling with his work, waits until the end of the grading period to get help for a class he is failing. Most teachers are more than willing to give a little extra help to a kid who asks for it. The problem is when there is one day left in the quarter and the student doesn’t want that which he has earned. As we might guess, it is probably too late to change the outcome of the grade.

Unfortunately, the same thing frequently happens with failing relationships. A couple who is struggling will procrastinate seeking help from someone who can actually be helpful; say for instance a priest, or bishop, or hmm, a professional counselor. There are as many reasons for this as there are divorces. Sometimes one of the individuals in the relationship just doesn’t get how deteriorated the relationship has become. His or her spouse is at the end of the marital rope and barely holding on and he doesn’t see it. Sometimes the one hanging on to the end of the rope has been aware of the problems for months or years but for some reason refuses to seek help. This person has perhaps become indignant at how neglected he or she has been and feels justified in suffering her pain silently while blaming the marriage problems on the other. Each of these individuals is probably suffering quite a bit but perhaps using pride or ignorance or self-righteousness to avoid getting professional help.

Sometimes the hurting spouse will suggest counseling to his partner and when the partner declines; the hurting spouse thinks it a good enough effort. At this point the spouse who is hurting and frustrated in the marriage could go to counseling on his or her own to look for solutions. However, all to often help is not sought.

I have come to realize that talking to your best friend or to the in-laws or to your lawyer probably isn’t going to net you much real help with your relationship. Your best friend tends to just validate your position of anger and resentment toward your spouse, your in-laws or parents will be biased, and your lawyer doesn’t make any money if you don’t get divorced (no offense intended to you lawyers struggling to put food on the table at a billable rate of $250 an hour). We have to ask ourselves if the steps taken to feel better in the marriage are actually helping to feel better about the marriage. Despite having children in the situation, we still may just let the relationship slip away, somehow justifying or minimizing the impact it will have on the kids.

I don’t usually write this boldly (and potentially offensively) but I am noticing marriage after marriage fail with the same lame excuses. Well if you were married to him or her you would leave also, or She is just kind of boring, or the one I love to hate, It’s just so easy to talk to this person I met at work. Give me and your spouse a break!

You can’t keep a marriage healthy all by yourself but you can do an awful lot to help preserve the original feelings of love and fondness you had when you first got together. Quit letting the little resentments become big. Talk, plead, and beg for help from your spouse to get a better feeling in the marriage. If your spouse isn’t ready to go to counseling, go yourself and get some support. One spouse will often attend counseling after the other one has initiated it.