By DELMAR LEATHAM
I live in an age of modern miracles. I can go the internet and with the right key strokes and the right words I can become an expert on any subject.
It doesn’t matter if the information is accurate or even true. Somewhere in the electromagnetic ether someone will believe it.
The internet allows you to be your own doctor. You can self-diagnose and self-treat any illness until the problem becomes severe enough that you go to your local physician. He can educate you on where you went wrong and what the correct medication is to actually cure the illness. He might even be able to direct you to the correct web page.
One of my favorite internet medical cures is putting onion slices on your feet at night to cure your cold. In the morning the onion will have turned black because it allegedly has drawn toxins from your body. Having tried this I can testify that you will only get smelly feet. Also, any onion slice left on the counter will turn black. There must be a great deal of poisonous toxins in my countertop. I’m grateful that they have been removed by the cut-up onions which we safely disposed of in the chicken soup pot. I’ll risk being politically incorrect by noting that chicken soup is considered to be Jewish penicillin.
I’m sure that all modern medicines are somehow onion based. The pharmaceutical industry just dries and powders the onion and then makes it into a pill. They convince the doctors to prescribe the pill to their patients and then the corporate snake oil salesmen head to the Bahamas where they enjoy a burger smothered in onions.
My most fascinating cure is the ear candle. Suffering from an ear ache, a small child can be forced to have the candle thrust into their aching ear. When the candle is lit, miraculously a huge amount of bee’s wax can be removed from the innocent child’s ear. Questioning the efficacy of having a flaming torch thrust into my ear I decided to see if my toxic countertop could benefit from the removal of its hidden waxes and the accompanying poisons. I placed the small end of the cone shaped candle on my kitchen counter and lit the large end. To my amazement I was able to draw out a huge chunk of bees wax from the counter. That filthy slab of marble seems to hide a great many secrets.
The warmth of the candle flame can bring some comfort to an aching ear. I prefer to heat a slice of onion in the microwave and then place it over my ear. My head begins to feel better and all thoughts of my pain disappear. However, I do develop a craving for a hamburger smothered in grilled onions.
Growing up my ear aches were often treated with smoke. Dad would light up a Marlboro and blow the warm nicotine laced fumes into my ear. Second hand smoke has to be good for something. It made my ear feel better but I developed a nagging cough.
I have tried dripping a bit of clove oil, mineral oil or stool softener in my ear. One of these oils was effective in drawing the crap from my brain. I’ll let you be the judge and decide if the treatment had a beneficial outcome.
I have Type II diabetes and have researched a myriad of cures available on the internet. One recommendation is to drink a glass of warm water at bed time. You also need to add a magic powder to the water. The powder and its benefits were recently discovered and come from a beach in the Bahamas. The snake oil salesman relaxing on the beach will be happy to send you some of the powder for a modest fee, plus shipping and handling.
I should also mention the benefits of the green-lipped mussel that grows in the pristine waters of New Zealand. It is most effective in expanding the pocketbook of the company spokesman and his friends on the beaches of New Zealand. You can use the green-lipped mussels to expand your waste line. Sauté them in butter and garlic and take one to twelve before each meal. Not everyone can stomach them, that is why the dose may vary from person to person.
Now it would be a good time to look at one of the many diet plans that will make you young, thin and beautiful. They promise to let you eat all you want of their specially formulated foods while still losing weight.
My father told me to never trust a skinny cook or a fat lawyer. I have come to realize that the internet is the perfect location for skinny cooks and fat lawyers.
Watch out for any ad that is filmed on the sunny beach of a foreign country. If I’m going to be conned, I want it to be by a good old American con man standing on the top of a mountain in Colorado.
