By DELMAR LEATHAM
The ever-present Pocket Gopher is the bane of all peace-loving Americans. It is known in scientific circles by its Latin name, Geomyidae Myomorpha.
The gopher is a myopic animal that lives in underground burrows. This underground dweller can run backwards as fast as he can run forward because of a unique anatomical characteristic. He has a brain in his tail. This small brain allows him to quickly feel his way back through his burrow.
A subspecies of Geomyidae Myomorpha is Politicianus Americano. This subspecies lacks the brain in its tail but is still capable of rapidly retreating backwards. The Politicianus surfaces every two to four years during the daylights hours of early November but is seldom seen after the first of December.
The Geomyidae Myomorpha can appear quite friendly but are still very aggressive when cornered and they have a vicious bite.
As an example, I was happily working in my garden in late fall when a mound of dirt began growing in the squash patch. I quickly got my favorite gopher trap and began digging in the fresh mound to locate this invaders tunnel. As I scooped the dirt by hand from his tunnel my finger was seized by the powerful jaws of the creature. My hand shot out of the hole with gopher attached. I shook him free and completed his life cycle with a shovel.
After a brief ceremony extolling his virtues, he was returned to his home in the earth. I thought that my experience was unique until I mentioned it to another local gardener. It seems that this person’s mother, a Valley Pioneer, routinely used this method to rid her garden of these annoying pests. I admire her courage but will continue to use my trap.
I began asking other gardeners how they dealt with gophers. Some tried to drowned the gopher by placing a hose down the burrow. Others filled the tunnels with exhaust fumes from their lawn mower while others tried using poison bait.
The most unique method involved putting an acetylene torch down the hole and filling the tunnel with the flammable gas. When he ignited the gas, his yard erupted in a dozen places. His freshly poured sidewalk was buckled and broken. The gophers were back the very next day.
In my research I found that Australia has a different gopher problem. They consider the motorized wheel chair to be a Gopher. Last year 73 people were killed by Gophers and many Australians were seriously injured.
The Injury Control Council of Western Australia’s chief executive officer Deborah Costello said gopher users were at an increased risk of death and serious injury because generally they were older and suffered perceptual, cognitive and physical deteriorations associated with aging.
It has been determined that all Politicianus Americano gophers suffer with these same symptoms. Any attempts to treat these symptoms have failed. The only proven method of elimination is to press the correct button at the polls on election day.
Richard Daley, a corrupt Mayor of Chicago in the 1950’s gave the best advice: “Vote early and vote often.”
I hope you will all continue to garden and try to avoid being bitten by a gopher of any species.
