No One Asked Me But… (May 4, 2022)

By DR. LARRY MOSES

No one asked me but… I am the proud owner of a quarter acre of grass. Most of it is rough Bermuda and I will be glad when it is all rough Bermuda.

Many of my friends and neighbors hate Bermuda grass as it is an immigrant from Africa. I love it because it takes little maintenance and recovers quickly from its dormant stage from over the winter. It has the same personality that I have in that it dislikes anything under eighty degrees.

I understand that maintaining that much grass in the middle of the desert is pure idiocy but my midwestern roots will not allow me to go to a desert landscape. Rocks, cactus, and dirt does not make a lawn.

Having a green lawn is much like having a delinquent child. To maintain this green field one is required to water and fertilize it quite often. You expend a large amount of cash to feed the creature. Once a week during the summer months, I put out cash to get the lawn a haircut. I have over the last twenty or so years employed a neighbor kid to cut the lawn. I believe at least two of these mowers were young ladies, I am an equal opportunity employer. I kind of systematically work my way through the neighbor kids.

One young man replaced his sister who had graduated from high school. After his first experience I explained to his father that I was paying him half of what I paid his sister. His father looked puzzled and said you gave him the same amount as his sister. I explained I know, but she only took one hour and he took two. Both did a great job but she made twenty dollars an hour he only made ten dollars an hour.
To keep the lawn happy, I had to buy it an extensive sprinkler system. However, it never works properly and resists all attempts to make it do so.

One advantage of the delinquent child is that it eventually grows up and moves out; the lawn never goes away, and if you let it die, the neighbors complain.

My yard has become a haven for the great yellow flower called the dandelion. Many people believe that a dandelion is a weed. It is not; it is a flower imported to America by our English ancestors. I truly believe the dandelion is the Englishman’s revenge for America going rogue and declaring independence. While dandelions are grown in flower beds in England, they have become a plague on the American lawn. It is an example of what uncontrolled immigration can do to a country. Ask the Native Americans how their liberal view of illegal immigrants affected what was once their country.

A few years ago, a young neighbor boy saw me digging in my back yard and asked what I was doing. I showed him a dandelion that had gone to seed and told him I was digging those out of my yard.
He became upset and said, “You are killing my wishing flowers!”

When I made the mistake of inquiring as to what he meant, he came over and plucked one of the dandelions that had gone to seed. Making a wish, he blew on the dandelion sending the seeds throughout my yard. I made sure that I did not dig his “wishing flowers” in his presence again. There is little worse than having a disappointed five-year-old living next door.

Another unwanted and uninvited invader of my yard is a small red ant. It seems these unwanted critters are living out in the open on the few bare spots in my yard. I did not invite them and I have tried to explain to them there is a proper procedure for gaining legal entrance into my yard.

They need to ask the house finches, humming birds and other small birds that I have graciously invited into my yard. I feed them and protect them from the local cats. I have asked my neighbors to keep these ants in their yard waiting my approval of their entry into my yard. This effort has not been very effective and I suspect that my neighbors are encouraging them to migrate to my yard as soon as possible.

I have another invader who through clandestine actives have entered my yard. These critters enter through tunnels they dig underground. I must admit that I am fairly aggressive with this invader. The pocket gopher burrows underground and eats the roots of my trees and other plants.

I have declared war on the gopher. I know PETA champions will be upset to learn that over this time period I have tried and convicted nearly twenty if not more of these illegals.

I have probably done more damage to my yard digging to find these tunnels than to the gophers, but it is the principle of the thing. They are in my yard illegally and I feel honor bound to remove them using whatever extreme manner necessary.

Who knows what manner of contraban they are bringing into my yard as they enter in such a clandestine and illegal manner. I have asked my neighbors to keep them in their yards until I can process them to decide which are good and which are bad. My neighbors have refused to do so.

I commissioned myself to discover the root cause of this migration only to find that is the cause: roots. They have come seeking a better standard of living by eating the roots of my plants.

In my battle for my yard, I have found out some things about myself. The most important of which is that at the age of 82 it is easier to get down to the ground than it is to get up. I have found it more convenient to crawl from one dandelion to another than to stand and move each time.

A number of my neighbors have been concerned when they see me on the ground, but most merely stop to explain that someone has developed a spray to kill broad leaf plants. So let me state here and now: I know that. But I still find it necessary to dig individual plants.
Besides, gardening is what old people do!

Thought of the week… Big sisters are the crab grass in the lawn of life.
– Charlie Brown